After This

Wow!  I told you all to check back on October 12 and then I didn’t post anything.  My apologies.  I’m a bit spaghetti-brained this week.

In July, I will be 45 years old.  Why do I bring this up?  Well, frankly, because it’s nine months away and if I were going to have another child before that milestone birthday, I’d have to be pregnant now.  And I’m not.  And I want to be.

There, I said it.  I want another child.  I want my son to have a sibling.  I want to employ what I’ve learned as a mother and do it better next time.  I want another chance.  I want more zoo cards in my wallet.  I want a bigger family.

It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t get to decide this for myself.  I am a firm believer in mind over body.  I feel deeply that I have prevented myself from becoming pregnant.

I lost my friend and my father and our son is autistic.  We have had some challenges and I think I subconsciously told my reproductive system to shut off for a while.  It complied.

Even the miscarriage I had two years ago seemed like a product of my psychology, not my biology.  I needed to know I could get pregnant, so I did.  I knew in my heart I wasn’t ready to have the child, so I didn’t.

Things have changed though.  I am, of course, a bit logically conflicted about the prospect of doing the whole baby thing again.  It’s tiring and it’s a lot of work.  My same aged friends can’t imagine starting over with diapers and bottles and all of that stuff.  I’m not sure my husband thinks fondly of that either.

However, brainwaves be damned, my heart is not conflicted at all.  In the core of my soul, I absolutely want to have another child.  The trappings of that reality don’t daunt me in the slightest, but my body has failed me.

And that brings me back to this month.  I told myself if I couldn’t do it by the time I turn 45 that I probably wouldn’t, that I probably shouldn’t.  My eggs and I aren’t getting any younger and there are risks.  So I’m a little sad because this is the month.  This is the month to be hopeful or hopeless.  October 2009 decides it all.

After this, I have to move on.

8 thoughts on “After This

  1. Adoption. I have adopted children as students in my class almost every year. Those families seem so happy to have each other.
    Before I had Molly I wondered if I could feel the same connection with an adopted child. Now I believe we come to know our children (and they us) gradually, whatever way we become family. I know I couldn’t love Johnny any more, lose sleep over his future, feel my heart soar with his triumphs, if I had borne him myself. I really appreciate CJ going through the whole morning sickness- epidural thing for me. For all of us.
    Anyway, families find each other. That’s what I believe.

  2. I agree wtih Morgan! I never yearned to bear children but I always knew I’d be a Mom. Stars aligned and I found my children…….I owe my two beautiful (step)daughters to Betsy 🙂 …not to mention my perky breasts 🙂

  3. The comment I made, disappeared. Here is what I said:

    I will send positive thoughts your way, day and night. I would love another grandchild. If you are not pregnant by Nov 1st, consider what Morgan has said. You are so loved

  4. Becky……………Whatever will be will be……………I believe this, because I became pregnant in 1996, and lost that baby. I never knew I wanted a baby until I became pregnant. I went on a mission to get pregnant again, after the 6 months that we are told to wait. It never happened……….month after month..late periods and many ovulation kits later. After about four years, I decided it was not ever going to happen for us, and I decided to stop trying, or even thinking about it! Low and behold…………I turned up pregnant………..well, you know….I believe a baby will find his or her way to your family, because you want it to!!! Just like I did!!! My fingers are crossed for you!!!

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