Erratic Writing

It’s Tuesday afternoon and I haven’t posted anything in a few days.  There is something rolling around my head with a lot of noise and I don’t know how to write about it.  I had a falling out with a friend a few weeks ago.

I bugged her, she bugged me.  There’s really nothing much to say about the details.  The specifics aren’t so different from the last time we did this.  I whine, she bites my head off and we don’t talk for a while.  So what.  Same crap, different day.

Unfortunately, what has happened in the wake of it this time is that I have censored myself.  My blog has suffered because I am uncertain about this one member of my audience.

Maybe I am wrong, but I suspect that my friend is still reading my posts.  Truly, I cannot imagine why.  She says that I drag her down and that I should call on someone else when I need a friend.

I’m happy to comply with that request because, honestly, she drags me down too.  I think we have become toxic to one another again.  It‘s not the first time and it won’t be the last.  The two of us share a long and complicated history.

I am committing this to my blog today because I want it behind me.  I’m not putting any thought into repairing the friendship or trying to make it something it isn’t.   I am just leaving it here to get it out of the way.

This blog is a place for me to offload some grief and anxiety from my life.  It is also a place for me to share what happens on a typical day in house with an autistic child, a dad on the spectrum and a mom who leans toward chaos.  Writing for all of you is therapeutic for me.  That’s why I felt the need to share all of this.

Despite whatever impression I’ve left with my friend, I want everyone to know that I love my life.  With all its challenges, its lack of order and sometimes hourly disappointments, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  I love my son and I love my husband.  What we share together is good.

I am a good wife and a good mother.  I know this and I am proud of it.  Maybe it’s my own fault for failing to repeat this aloud often enough, but I don’t think my friend has ever embraced these simple facts.  I don’t think she has ever believed that my life is less than a train wreck in need of intensive repair.  I can’t care about that anymore.

It’s almost five o’clock and other matters are more pressing.

Thanks for sticking with me as I find my way back to regular writing.  I appreciate it.  I really do.

2 thoughts on “Erratic Writing

  1. Not all relationships are meant to last forever. Good for you for always saying it like it is. Life is messy and difficult as well as joyous and effortless at times. I hope the two of you can respect each other from afar and enjoy the good memories that each of you still hold…

  2. That Leighann is so “right on” (if that’s still a respected term). Your blog is for YOU –don’t let what others think or interpret matter.

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