Chicken and the Egg

I hate this week.

My brain is wrapped around things that are way too personal to share.

In fact, I have seriously considered calling it quits with the blog and maybe even taking down what I’ve already posted.

I feel like going dark again, you know?

I’m not sure I remember why I started doing this.

It’s raining.

I have to go get my son and then drive in it for 40 minutes to his therapy appointment.

I don’t want to.

My son will scream when we stop for red lights.

If we hit slower commute traffic on the way home, he will lose his mind.

My mind is already gone this week.  Husband’s too, I think.  Seems like we aren’t communicating well enough or something.

All I want to do is sit in the house with a book and a fire.  I want to eat soup and drink tea and let my mind empty…or race.  But at home, you know?  Not in the car.  Not out there, where I want sunglasses even when it’s dark.

I’m cold.  My hair is up off my neck and it will stay there for the next two months because I impulsively asked my husband to cut off half of it this weekend.  I have to wait for it to grow out a bit so that I can get it properly styled.  Until then, my neck is cold and I feel kind of stupid and sad because I should have just gone to a salon.  Even a bad one.

Husband did fine.  He cut it straight across just like I asked.  It’s just that I shouldn’t have asked.  I never feel like I deserve a good haircut, you know?  I’m a fool.

I’m down today.  There’s no hiding it, I guess.  The hair is just a drop in the bucket.

My kid has escalated his obsessive compulsive behaviors.  It’s wearing me out.  It’s also making my brain explode as I ponder the whole chicken/egg sort of questions about why it’s happening.  Am I losing my mind because he is OC or is he OC because I’m losing my mind?  Which came first?  I think the reason no one can ever answer that question about chickens and eggs is because you go crazy before you hear it.  You can’t answer because you’re already crazy when the question is posed.

That’s how it is in our house.  We’re all going nuts because of my son’s obsessive compulsive behaviors.  But my son might be obsessive compulsive because we’re all nuts.

Not even sure how finish this post.

I gotta go now.

Happy Friday.


5 thoughts on “Chicken and the Egg

  1. Please don’t shut down your blog. You need it and we need to travel your path with you. Thomas’s journey is so mysterious. I hope you realize that you have a soft, warm blanket of prayers, love, and hugs surrounding you at all times from family and friends no matter our distance from you.

  2. Its a bad week. Bad weeks blow – I am having one myself – right down the not communicating correctly with the hubby!!! I also don’t know one mother that would pay to have her hair cut some where nice instead of using that money to buy their kids a special present or just the basic needs of life. I love your blog and would be sad without it but I would understand your need to take it down and take the time you blog back for yourself. You could spend that time having tea, reading a book or just sitting on the couch! All sound lovely to me. Love, Hugs and kisses coming your way.!!! xoxoxox

  3. Hi Becky:

    A thought to ponder: God uses everything except force at his disposal to get us to reach out to him. Have you ever read the new testament?

    In terms of the boy: have you ever had someone else drive, and you sit in the back with him, and “teach” him at red lights? You know, the kind of love and care only a mother can provide?

    I mean, does it help if he sees what normal behavior is at red lights?

    just curious.

    ac (one who calls himself a Christian) and try to walk the talk as often as possible.

  4. Sweet Becky,

    Bad weeks are going around. Only sometimes, if feels like they’ll never end. I haven’t had my haircut since last March, for my birthday. It’s because the budget is tight, getting ever tighter, and we mom’s always take the cut, so we don’t have to feel the guilt. Our lives are a mine field of guilt-inducing situations. It’s exhausting and the grey, winter weather doesn’t help. I too wish to crawl under a blanket, with a warm cup of coffee and a book. Alas, it’s not to be right now. It’s hard work to be a good parent.

    I wish I was there to give you a big hug. We could cry together, tell each other how wonderful we are (because we are) and then have tea/coffee and a few cowboy cookies.

    So, let’s do it virtually. . .I love you Becky.

  5. Listen to you mother-in-law! Your blog is an incredible resource for those who are living a similiar experience or just living the role of mother! It’s HARD!!! You are so patient and kind with Thomas…and marrriage? Even harder. You are a superstar, lady, so keep on keeping on!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s