Blog or Not?

Okay lurkers, de-cloak and tell me if I should call it quits with this.

In the past few months I have been really struggling with whether or not it makes sense for me and my family to continue the blog.

I need to write, there’s no mistake about that.

And I need to be truthful when I do it.

But I am starting to worry about how this all looks to outsiders.

I see the comments people leave on popular blogs.  (Not that mine is, or ever will be, popular.)

I know how critical the world is and how easily things are taken out of context, mercilessly scrutinized, and then judged unfairly.

I am hard on myself and I don’t always write about my recoveries, you know?

I don’t elaborate on the hugs and the triumphs of my motherhood as much I do on the tantrums and my parenting failures.

I can only imagine what the world thinks of me.

My mom is concerned that those who don’t know me will think the worst, and maybe even use my own writing to somehow harm me or my family.

And maybe I worry about that too.  I’m candid, and it’s usually when I am disappointed in myself.

When I’m at the school, I wonder every minute if the other parents or the teacher or the aides are reading the blog and thinking I’m the worst mom ever.

This morning, a little girl in the line next to ours was playing with a small glass stone.  She brought it to school to show her classmates, but when the bell rang she was tossing it up into the air over and over again and only catching it about half the time.

I told her to put it away.  She asked why and I explained that it could hurt someone if it hit them on the head when it fell.  She was not in the mood to have me tell her what to do.  She continued to throw it behind my back, assuming I had no peripheral vision.

I probably should have said something more to her, but I was suddenly possessed by paranoia because of the blog.  What if all of the adults on the playground read my posts and long ago decided I suck at parenthood?  Maybe none of them would appreciate my attempt at maintaining order in the chaos of the morning playground line-up.  Maybe they would even ask me to leave or keep my mouth shut.  That’s what the blog does to me sometimes.

On other occasions it makes me brave.  I meet moms who seem completely overwhelmed by parenting a special needs child and I feel lucky to have a voice and the courage and skill to use it.  I get what my son needs, wherever we go.  I get what I need.

But I don’t know from moment to moment which of those feelings outweighs the other.  Am I too paranoid?  Or am I confident in how I manage my family and my life?

My mom and I had lunch today and discussed a few related topics.  I have considered ending the blog.  My mom suggested I leave it up and think carefully about whether or not I want to keep doing it.  I asked her if she thought I shouldn’t instead take it down and consider whether or not I want to keep doing it.  I don’t recall that either of us could answer that question.

So I guess that’s what I’m asking all of you.

Should I keep writing the blog?

Should I keep telling you about the dark moments in my parenting?

Should I worry that some jerk with an agenda will one day try to make trouble for me and my family by twisting something I’ve said or judging me out of this greater context?

What do you think?

I really, really want to know.

P.S.  Happy Wednesday.

P.P.S.  I finally finished my book and passed it on to a friend.  Now I’m reading a children’s book by the same author.  It’s probably just as well that it’s meant for kids, because my brain is usually pudding by the time I have a few minutes for leisure reading.

I got both of these titles for under a dollar at the thrift store.  Happy happy smile smile.

P.P.P.S  Did I tell you that I sent my kid to school with a giant safety pin holding his pants together yesterday?  😳  He really wanted to wear them, but they were too big and all of his other pants were in the washer.  If only I had remembered to tell the aide that I’d done it, but I forgot.  I don’t know why I think the blog is such a damning source of my parenting failures.  Seriously?  Can you imagine sending an autistic eight-year-old to school with a giant pin in his waistband?  I didn’t even have to write anything to look bad for that one.  Sigh


23 thoughts on “Blog or Not?

  1. Take it down. For all the reasons you stated. The fact you are questioning it answers your own question.

    Write a book – self publish.

  2. I guess I qualify as a lurker. I found your blog through the tagometer. I really enjoy reading it. I have a 22 year old son with autism (and three other kids). I didn’t know anyone going through the same thing as I was when he was small–he was born in 1989 and Asperger’s wasn’t a diagnosis for anyone until 1994. His official diagnosis came in 2000, but we always knew there was something wrong. As difficult as it is right now, it must be great to have sympathetic people to share your stories with. And one thing’s for sure, having a child with autism means that you’re never short of a story. A sense of humour definitely helps too.

    • So true about always having a story! I will check your page a little later. I am always intrigued to hear from readers with older children on the spectrum. Thanks for reading.

  3. You have heard time and time again from other mothers who read your blog and who have been understanding and mentioned that they have been there, done that. I personally was there and had done that (whatever that is) in my own mothering. I know that you should write. I know that it is a catharsis of sorts to let out stuff that should not be bottled up inside. I think that is one of your saving graces. I personally have appreciated the insight into Thomas because I have never until now been around a special needs child. I think that the education you are providing in your blog is extraordinary. I don’t know if someone in your future would use the information against you. would not want your fear of what people might think of you because of what you wrote on your blog stop you from being your own true self. Well, guess this isn’t any help.

  4. Becky: I say bag the narcissism and keep going, even stronger. Archive regularly so you and your son can enjoy it in 20 years time. Break away from The Dude, that’s what he’ll be someday you know, and do some personal creative stuff. You can perhaps title paragraphs so the reader can scan and select. Hey! I can’t believe I hang out here and don’t regularly call big or little bro. (Is no names the way to go here).

    Make the blog super creative. When one reads, one must write.

    • Sooooooo funny to me that you said that. As I was hitting the “publish” button I thought to myself “Alan is going to say this post is narcissistic.” You’re right about the personal creative stuff too. I haven’t made anything on my sewing machine in a while.

      And I like the idea of paragraph topics…

  5. Well, I would go through withdraw w/o your postings. . .As a mother who isn’t perfect and struggles with my own questions about what to do in any given situation, it’s lovely to know I’m not alone. I see so much progress and love for your family and especially your son. I can’t speak to people who would feel it necessary to judge you, but there are always people like that around. I think you know in your heart what is right (write?). Don’t let fear be your dictator. Do what is going to help you be you. I don’t know what else to say, except I love you very much.

  6. Becky, I love your blog and look forward to reading it. I say leave it up. I don’t see what anyone could use against you. From everything I’ve ever read, you are a loving, insightful mom doing an amazing job under difficult circumstances. You are honest enough to admit to losing your patience sometimes, but every parent does that! You are an inspiration! Please keep it gping!

  7. I’m new on the scene, but here goes…Personally, I think it depends on your motivation for blogging. If you’re wanting a bit of feedback and a few ideas to help along the way; if others are finding it comforting and informative – keep it public. If it’s solely as a catharsis and the view of others is going to affect how you blog – make it private.

    • I guess it’s a combination of all of those…
      Thanks for your feedback this week, Karyn.
      I looked at your blog too and I have added you to my list of interesting reads!

  8. I know what you mean when you say you feel as though you touch upon the bad/frustrating moments only…but you don’t. When I think of your blog, I remember it all….right down to the festive paper Christmas trees lining the stairs or how you have shed all your superficial “my house is going to look like Pottery Barn” moments and let Thomas fly a cardboard box down the stairs while scuffing up the walls! No denying your days are hard and filled with so many challenges; different than a parent raising a child not on the spectrum….but so often neither one of these ypes of parents share the nitty gritty of parenting. We are raising fellow humans and despite our tremendous love for them, we are allowed to feel disappointed, hurt and angry at our situation. Keep writing Becky!!!!

  9. Becky, I would miss your blog! You know my kids,…well at least one of them, and even though my kids aren’t on the spectrum, I can still relate to a lot of your stories. All mom’s have difficulties, and good and bad days, I would hope that nobody would ever hold a blog, rant, or any talk of a good or bad day with your kids against you. I say, stay true to you, …..your friends and family know who you are, as a person and a mom!

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