After This

Wow!  I told you all to check back on October 12 and then I didn’t post anything.  My apologies.  I’m a bit spaghetti-brained this week.

In July, I will be 45 years old.  Why do I bring this up?  Well, frankly, because it’s nine months away and if I were going to have another child before that milestone birthday, I’d have to be pregnant now.  And I’m not.  And I want to be.

There, I said it.  I want another child.  I want my son to have a sibling.  I want to employ what I’ve learned as a mother and do it better next time.  I want another chance.  I want more zoo cards in my wallet.  I want a bigger family.

It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t get to decide this for myself.  I am a firm believer in mind over body.  I feel deeply that I have prevented myself from becoming pregnant.

I lost my friend and my father and our son is autistic.  We have had some challenges and I think I subconsciously told my reproductive system to shut off for a while.  It complied.

Even the miscarriage I had two years ago seemed like a product of my psychology, not my biology.  I needed to know I could get pregnant, so I did.  I knew in my heart I wasn’t ready to have the child, so I didn’t.

Things have changed though.  I am, of course, a bit logically conflicted about the prospect of doing the whole baby thing again.  It’s tiring and it’s a lot of work.  My same aged friends can’t imagine starting over with diapers and bottles and all of that stuff.  I’m not sure my husband thinks fondly of that either.

However, brainwaves be damned, my heart is not conflicted at all.  In the core of my soul, I absolutely want to have another child.  The trappings of that reality don’t daunt me in the slightest, but my body has failed me.

And that brings me back to this month.  I told myself if I couldn’t do it by the time I turn 45 that I probably wouldn’t, that I probably shouldn’t.  My eggs and I aren’t getting any younger and there are risks.  So I’m a little sad because this is the month.  This is the month to be hopeful or hopeless.  October 2009 decides it all.

After this, I have to move on.